there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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