cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
