New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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