Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
did you just send me my own nude
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
