how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
