She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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