Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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