I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
