It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
