Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
