She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
