foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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