Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
