i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
