after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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