my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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