easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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