I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just gift wrapped bread.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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