Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
