you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i came on her dog
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
