I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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