I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
