if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
