walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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