It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
