You smell like stripper and shame
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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