he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
