I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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