I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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