he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
