I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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