What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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