I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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