Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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