i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He has the fingertips of a God
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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