Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
