my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
