I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
