OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
