No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
