She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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