i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
