I could make wine with my vomit
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
