I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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