Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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