69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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