Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
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