his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
