he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I did not marry a roomba.
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