i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
