just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
