What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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