Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
