Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
