I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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