I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize