i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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