Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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