I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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