I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
